Investment Banking Internship Donts

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Investment Banking Internship Donts

You sit thinking, what don’t you want to see in a would be analyst, running about the office during the summer, and you realize that you cant stop at a single thing. You’ve seen your fellow interns last year so things that made their analysts cringe, and you’ve head a fair share of analyst war stories to be able to draw up a comprehensive list of intern donts. Not from the goodness of your heart, of course, because as every prospective ibanker should know, now that you have permanently infiltrated the ranks of the investment banking full time professional staff, your heart was one of the first things you had to check in before they’d let you into the building. No, you do it in anticipation of getting an intern of your own, so you type up a list of things you don’t want, to save you the time of explaining it to some overenthusiastic (or more like overly confident little shit given the fact that firms are hiring every Tom, Dick and Rupert with a pinkie ring now that the market is booming) intern.

Don’t be a smartass:
Too many little wannabe bankers try to look smart. You were not hired for brains. Your job is to perform manual (excel, powerpoint, Xerox) labour. You’re getting paid a hell of a lot of cash for doing a hell of a little value add, so you’ll be expected to put in the hours, not the brains.

Know your place:
It doesn’t matter that you have tailor made suits. Don’t wear them as your analyst (who’s probably got a massive chip on his shoulder) doesn’t. Don’t go as far as a polyester wrinkle free from M&S, because then even the biggest schmuck with a massive dent on his shoulder will laugh at you. Never dress better than your analyst, but make sure to not dress far worse. If he wears Hermes ties, you go for Ferragamo. If he comes in on the weekend with a Diesel tshirt (bankers like to think they’re hip), come in wearing something from GAP. You get the picture.

Make them look good:
You should expect your analyst to take credit for your work, and they will do that. When it’s god, it will be theirs, when its wrong, it will be yours. Don’t try to make the VP see that you were the one doing a piece of work – because you will get the shit in any case once they figure out its wrong. Oh, and by the way, your work will always be wrong. At best, it will always be something that can be improved. Think of your analyst like a shot of tequila. Salt, lemon and you slam it. Again, and again and again. Look on the bright side, it’s only for the summer.

You will know you are not smart:
Know this in everything you do. Your analyst will give you shit because you messed something up. Say thank you, as you’re really not that bright. You will complain that you haven’t gotten much sleep. You’ll get told to be more efficient and it takes you too long t5o do stuff, because you’re not altogether that bright. Let’s face it. You’ve signed on to spend your last free summer before beginning a lifetime of work with a bunch of boring, arrogant, overworked and underlived cube monkeys for what ends up being minimum wage on an hourly basis. They know it, you know it, so live up to it.

Good luck.


Anonymous said...

Hey Monkey, thanks for doing this. Will be very helpful for us interns.

Out of interest, what is your opinion on FIG? Where does it rank in terms of reputation in FO roles? Does the remuneration tend be similar to M&A etc?

If you had a choice, would you choose a graduate role in a product team, or an industry team?

Anonymous said...

A few more things:

Don't suck up to your MDs and VPs:
That's what the associates and analysts are there for. Don't act like you are the shit just because the MD took you out for lunch. He has already forgotten the fact that you exist.

Don't think that you are entitled to ANYTHING:
Don't even think about taking time off to hit the gym for 30 mins. Don't ask if you can take off a Saturday to have dinner with your family. Don't even think about telling the graphics people that your work has priority over the analyst's.

God, summers are so dumb.

Darvy Kaitlin said...

Investment Banking Internship Donts
Don’t be a smartass and Make them look good are very good topics...really gd blog



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Anonymous said...

Great stuff!

Investment Banking Monkey said...

@ first anonymous:
A product team. learn a product, learn it well, and you'll be doign execution in any industry. Also, when the market slows down, the industry guys go back to the pitching, whilst the guys who have moste executione experience (product) go on doing the few deals that are there to be done.

Abhishek Singh said...

^ Now that, is some deep ass wisdom right there. Good stuff. Great great job with the blog and expression of heartfelt angst. Am sure its very therapeutic no? Seriously though, great stuff and keep it comin' !

Investment Banking Monkey said...

@ Rikitikitavi:
Why, thank you. Therapeutic it certainly is. And it has the added benefit of not being called a slacker whilst exercising your frustrations in the office - go to the gum: slacker - tap away on the pc - dedicated.

Abhishek Singh said...

^ lol. Yeah i know the feeling. The begrudging looks of admiration you get when people see you in the lift or at your PC at 430 am, lookin bright as a fuckin daisy because of the 3 thai 'real' red bulls you've just slammed down (the shit that comes in a golden can, at least here in SG).

Rock on b.

Anonymous said...

i love the post. the wisdom you impart is noteworthy. I would absolutely love to see more of this. great stuff!

Anonymous said...

God damn, I read this three months late. Nearly everything mentioned above happened and I am permanently embittered. Just reading it got me pissed off.