Investment Banking Monkey - The All Nighter

As with every hot shot i-banking department, Rupert’s group is bringing lots of cash for the firm, which translates into Rupert having a disproportional allocation of pretty much anything he wants. This continuum remains until Rupert’s clients realize that his banker’s advice is rubbish and that they’re better off banking with another firm. Worry not for Rupert though, because it takes clients a few years to figure this out, and by the time they switch, he’ll have been headhunted into that firm, anyway, so good luck to you if you are a client. Once you’ve got Rupert as an advisor, you can kiss your share price goodbye.

Being recruitment season, and Rupert being made acutely aware of the desperate need to get more analysts*, Rupert pushes for more than the London office has allocated to be his fair share. As magically happens when Rupert asks, Rupert gets. One bright Monday morning, a little Italian analysts makes her way onto the floor and to the cubicle designated for her with all the subtlety and finesse of a 747 trying to land on a little sports airfield in Kent. Meet Henrietta Pizza, the team’s newest addition to the analyst ranks straight from the New York office.

As you soon find out a little bit about Henrietta, not because you asked, or were introduced, but because you couldn’t help overhearing the ‘conversation’ Henrietta was having with Rob, six cubicles away, that sounded something like this:

Rob: “Welcome to the team. We are fortunate to have such a well regarded analyst”
Henrietta: “E’ IT IS ‘A PLESUR TO ‘A COME ‘A TO A SUCH ‘A GOOD ‘A TEAM. I’ ‘A WAS ‘A THE TOP’A RANKED’A ANALYST IN A DA NEW’ A YORK’A THIS A’YEAR”

As Rob recovers his posture from the near blasting of the sound barrier by Henrietta’s recital, and his hair looks like he’s gelled it back in a true Wall Street Gordon Gecko style.

A smile creeps onto your face as you observe Rob struggle to keep his posture as Henrietta unleashed a few more rounds of ‘conversation’. You close your eyes and picture Rob wearing full body armour and sporting a massive sword, fighting fire breathing dragon, whose fire breathes an Italian accent. You enjoy the thought for a few brief moments and open your eyes again.

Rob has manages to retreat and is licking his wounds as he (probable is merely pretending as a way of getting away from Henrietta) holds his mobile phone to his ear and swiftly walks away towards his cubicle.

That very second, your phone rings. You pick it up only to hear Rob at the other end:

[Whispering] “Play along, my life is at stake”
[Loud] “Hi, it’s Rob. I got your email that you urgently want to speak to me”
[Whispering] “Ok, cheers mate. She’s out of hearing range. Did you see that. I’a’do’a’lot’a’da’eM’and’A’a in ‘a’da’New’a’York’a. Haha. I bet you tomorrow morning she’ll march into the office singing:

I don’t know but I’ve been told,
Banking is my path to gold,
I’ll do your pitches, deals and shit,
I’ll do all-nighters no regret,

I’ll earn top dollar, be first in class,
Coz I’m the queen of kissin’ ass,
The needs of the many above the few,
The firm’s much bigger than me and you,

Pizza is my second name,
Investment banking is my game,
You’ve been told so now you know,
Henrietta the banker is real gung ho!”

Sadly, your rolling on the floor laughing exercise must come to an end as you realize you have been laughing so hard that you desperately need to use the little boys’ room.



Notes:
* Associates and senior analysts push for greater numbers of junior analysts so that they can dump all their work to these poor, excited souls with the pretext of helping them climb the ‘steep learning curve’.