Born to be an investment banker

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Born to be an investment banker

You wake up all hyped this fine morning, as a revelation passes in front of your eyes. You don’t need to have Rupert by the cojones in order to make your way up the firm’s structure. We live in efficient markets, as you discovered on your coffee break, and there seems to be little you can (legally) do to go round that fine point. But hey, as with all rules, there are even finer ways of twisting them to get them to work to your advantage.

Remembering the priceless advice on posturing you were given, you decide that it’s time to take the game up by a notch or two. This is something that a Mont Blanc pen and a good suit alone cannot solve. This calls for creativity, out of the box thinking, and the use of your entire investment banking skill set. This will be where your financial modelling skills will come into play. All those hours spent sitting in front of your computer screen, negotiating with your excel spreadsheet in order to make a lemon look like a peach. All those hours are finally about to pay off, as you run through your genus plan.

Much like the fact that selling a company has very little to do with the crap shape it may be in today, but the promise of a wonder once the lucky buyer has acquired it (and gets stuck with it), your progressing up the investment banking ladder has nothing to do with you being a good banker. It actually has more to do with the perception that you are a good banker. And good bankers are in strong demand, so you must demonstrate that you, being the great banker that you are, are fighting offers for employment left, right and centre.

Now this has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that you have none of these wonderful offers, nor are you close to getting one. However, just like a guy in a good suit is automatically an investment banker, a guy in a good suit coming late to the office on a regular basis, must be interviewing left right and centre. By the same token, if said banker is interviewing left right and centre, there must be people calling him for interviews and thus he must be in demand.

And if said banker is so highly sought after by the competition, well, the firm must do everything in their power to retain him and make him happy. The fact that the firm has not really found the said individual to be of such exceptional superstar fabric is of little relevance, as what is more frightening to any investment bank than making the wrong call, is if their competition makes the right call at their expense.

So, cutting a long story short, pretending to interview, and subtly dropping hints in the right place, at the right time, will get you junior support, an early promotion and the ability to cherry pick the deals you work on. All that, courtesy of the firm’s fear of erroneously having thought that you aren’t really that good.

To make it even better, the fact that you won’t really be interviewing, but still will be showing up late to work as if you had been interviewing, will mean that you will have reduced the amount of hours spent in the office! Bonus.

You smile quietly, amazed at the sheer genius of your plan. You also think yourself rather silly for having entertained the thought that you may not exactly be top tier banker material, for anyone devious enough to concoct a deception of this magnitude, was born to be an investment banker.


Anonymous said...

If you'd write better, your post would be easier to comprehend and I might be impressed with whatever you said. However when I have to reread the same sentence four times to get an inkling of an idea about what you's kind of futile to keep publishing; go home and quit.

Investment Banking Monkey said...

aww, temper, temper. sounds like we have a proper dissatisfied managing analyst on our hands here. we are truly sorry not to have delivered to said managing analyst's high expectations. perhaps said analyst should learn to not expect so much next time and do more benchmarking, rather than reading blogs. very very naughty.

Anonymous said...

Haha, IBD Monkey your posts are excellent and hilarious. Keep it rolling!

* said...

IB Monkey, you write well and your blog is funny. You shouldn't have to take crap from some anonymous punk pretending to be a banker.

Thoughts from another anonymous punk.

Greg said...

Devilishly ingenius. The Monkey deserves the promotion simply for coming up with such a wicked plan. Surely taking over the world must be the next stop!!

Anonymous said...

I think your post is great fun and enjoy reading it...keep up the good work...

thx & greetings from Germany

Investment Banking Monkey said...

it is the monkey's pleasure to entertain you. the monkey will keep you posted on how successful the master plan will turn out to be :)

Anonymous said...

Mmm, this reminds me of a sort of 21st Century British version of Dilbert. Excellent work. The speed at which you've been publishing keeps me coming back.

--Anonymous NY Punk

Investment Banking Monkey said...

@ Anonymous US punk - glad to hear. Remember, there's the option to get the posts direct in your inbox - exciting :)

Another anonymous punk said...

Hehe - but you have to be careful not to go at it for too long. Inteviewing for a straight six months can also be mistaken for nobody wanting to give you an offer... be careful on this one monkey.

Punk Investor said...

Genius plan, except that your VP/MD are probably already doing it, and won't be there to notice your plan :-) And maybe make the phone ring n times and obviously you can't take those calls because you are running too busy :-)

Corporate Bully said...

RBC Bank President Gordon Nixon - Salary $11.73 Million


I'm a commercial fisherman fighting the Royal Bank of Canada (RBC Bank) over a $100,000 loan mistake. I lost my home, fishing vessel and equipment. Help me fight this corporate bully by closing your RBC Bank account.

There was no monthly interest payment date or amount of interest payable per month on my loan agreement. Date of first installment payment (Principal + interest) is approximately 1 year from the signing of my contract.
Demand loan agreements signed by other fishermen around the same time disclosed monthly interest payment dates and interest amounts payable per month.The lending policy for fishermen did change at RBC from one payment (principal + interest) per year for fishing loans to principal paid yearly with interest paid monthly. This lending practice was in place when I approached RBC.
Only problem is the loans officer was a replacement who wasn't familiar with these type of loans. She never informed me verbally or in writing about this new criteria.

Phone or e-mail:
RBC President, Gordon Nixon, Toronto (416)974-6415
RBC Vice President, Sales, Anne Lockie, Toronto (416)974-6821
RBC President, Atlantic Provinces, Greg Grice (902)421-8112 mail
RBC Manager, Cape Breton/Eastern Nova Scotia, Jerry Rankin (902)567-8600
RBC Vice President, Atlantic Provinces, Brian Conway (902)491-4302 mail
RBC Vice President, Halifax Region, Tammy Holland (902)421-8112 mail
RBC Senior Manager, Media & Public Relations, Beja Rodeck (416)974-5506 mail
RBC Ombudsman, Wendy Knight, Toronto, Ontario 1-800-769-2542 mail
Ombudsman for Banking Services & Investments, JoAnne Olafson, Toronto, 1-888-451-4519 mail

"Fighting the Royal Bank of Canada (RBC Bank) one customer at a time"