Investment Banking Monkey - The All Nighter

Bankers are very much used to talking to an uninterested audience and all of Franks questions are beginning to get Rupert suspicious.

“Why is he actually interested in what I’m saying?”

He asks himself again and again. He cannot understand how this one little meaningless company can be so interesting. He was only trying to sound smart and fill the long meeting with some smart sounding comments and look what happens. As Frank keeps amusedly shooting off more questions, Rupert looks at you with this look on his face that almost says:

“I know why he’s so keen. You’ve messed up Mr. analyst man, and now I’m on the spot. I’ll get you for this. I don’t know how, but I just know it’s your fault (probably because it can’t be mine – of course – so it must be your fault Mr. analyst man!)”

After firing questions for some fifteen minutes, Frank stops, stands up, and begins pacing around the conference room. He thanks Rupert for his much appreciated contribution on Seven Seas, and mentions that he is most grateful for the insight provided.

“Rarely have I seen an investment banker exhibit such enthusiasm in identifying what is wrong with a company. Of course, in my experience on the buyside, and of course my previous experience in your shoes at Goldmen, never have I also seen an investment banker come so ill prepared to a meeting. It’s your lucky day, however, that the management board of Kruelberg has been concerned for a while about the performance of Seven Seas, which we own. I sit on the board, having helped Kruelberg buy it in my previous incarnation as a banker. It’s just your luck that your BPM (bullshit per minute) is so fast that you have actually convinced me that all your ramblings over the last five minutes can result in us extracting all this value from the company. Thank you for contributing and damn are you lucky or what.”

A calm silence feels the room. Feelings of anger and relief as on the one hand, Rupert must surely be relieved that the 100 questions are over, at the same time, he needs to find a way to get himself out of this most embarrassing situation. Luckily for him, his incompetence is more than mirrored by that of Frank, the muppet who put the shitty deal together, altogether resulting in a surprising final note from Frank.

“Rupert, I am grateful that you have brought all this to our attention, and I will nonetheless be sure to pass these recommendations to the board on the next meeting. Meanwhile, rest assured, that through your intimate knowledge and understanding of this business, you have positioned your firm exceptionally for the sale of Seven Seas down the line.”

A perfect example of the fact that there is no need for intelligence in this business. Long live the banker muppets, and the dumbasses that pay their fees!