Investment Banking Monkey - The All Nighter

You are by now well aware of the fact that i-bankers don’t make much sense. They talk the talk, and rely on their BPM to dazzle their audience into believing that they have something very meaningful, something profound to say. Looking closer at the BPM, it consists of two parameters:


Parameter 1 = bullshit
Parameter 2 = time


Bullshit in its own right is insufficient to daze the audience and the i-banking “magic” does not happen. It is only by manipulating the time element, that a true i-banker can manage to say nothing but at the same time impress their client. Remember, that if the audience has sufficient time to step back and think about what the i-banker is saying, the BPM principal breaks down and the cause is lost. The client will realize that what the banker is saying has no meaning and does not make any sense whatsoever. They will also be able to identify the numerous flaws in the argument and inconsistency in the data used, stemming from the inevitable fact that the investment banking professional will naturally be bullshitting.

Why then, does every banker have a Mont Blanc pen? You look around you, and every monkey on the floor has one. The little plain black pen with a blob on the cap. That’s it. Rob has two tucked away in his desk. Rupert carries one in his jacket at all times. Frank used one in the meeting at Kruelberg. EVERY banker has one of these babies. Why?

It’s a complete contradiction to the BPM theory of investment banking existence. BPM, as described above, is underpinned by minimizing the timeframe within which a specific quantity of bullshitt is uttered by an i-banker. While in its on right, the use of a Mont Blanc pen is not in contradiction to this theory, its use substantially reduces an i-banker’s BPM through increasing the time over which the target audience may absorb the bullshit. One may say that it creates the effect of the available time approaching infinity, and as your excel spreadsheet can tell you, even the biggest bullshit, when divided by infinity is zero. Ergo, using a Mont Blanc pen reduces an i-banker’s BPM to zero! Why? Because once bullshit is put on paper, the audience can take their time to try and understand it, and in not being able to do so, figure out how useless it all is. Even worse, the client may choose to give up on the bullshit altogether and simply bin it!

So why, you ask yourself, do i-bankers still swear by their Mont Blancs? Simple. Because a Mont Blanc with the unmistakeable whit blob on the cap is one of the easiest ways of telling someone that you can afford to pay £200 for a pen, without even opening your mouth.