The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – Episode VIII: Competence

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

The Kruelberg Kretin Saga – Episode VIII: Competence

You’re back at work in the majestic headquarters of the firm, with your feet firmly planted on your desk, as your phone rings.


“Hi Mike, this is Jennifer from HR.”

Shit! They know. How the fuck can they know you’ve seen Blunderstone. Was it a test? Was it a fake interview organised by HR to test your loyalty to the firm? Does the firm have such strong relationships with clients like Blunderstone that they agree to pretend to interview analysts just to help the firm pick out the black sheep?

Erm. No. After a moment of panic, that you realize that your fears are completely unfounded.

Reason No.1:
HR has better things to do. Like go home at 5pm. If they chased every little banker going to do interviews, they would most certainly have to stay far, far, longer, like even until 6pm. As this is truly unacceptable, HR would never do that.

Reason No. 2:
The singling out of black sheep who interview elsewhere is not in the personal interest of HR. The more analysts interview elsewhere, the better the chance that they will move somewhere else, and thus become some other HR professional’s headache. So, HR has no interest in stopping you from moving elsewhere. Actually, the easier they make this, the less people they need to take care of, the earlier they can go home.

Reason No. 3:
Setting up a hoax like this takes time and effort. The first, yes, HR has in abundance, but the appetite for the latter is in tremendously short supply. Why exert effort on something when you can spend that time sipping coffee with your colleagues?

Reason No. 4:
Making it difficult for people to move deprives HR of the fun of the numerous leavers drinks that riddle Friday afternoons after bonus season in the city. Half the revenues of pubs and bars in the square mile are derived from analysts opening tabs for their teams (and HR) to help them selves to anything behind the bar, in a vain effort to make their departure memorable.

Reassured, you answer.

“Hi Jennifer, what can I do for you”

“Mike, there’s been a bit of a mistake with your tax form this month, the system has mistakenly not deducted any tax payments from your salary. We’ll need to rectify that next month, but rest assured, you will not be charged interest. So happy spending!”

You sigh, as you forget reason No.5.

Reason no. 5
HR is plainly and simply no competent enough to pull it off.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the frequent posting again!

HR must indeed be the cushiest job in "banking". I remember my HR lady always went home at 5 and one of her main duties was to entertain summer interns and summer associates at the Trocadero in London ;-p

Anonymous said...

Some of the best shit I have ever read. Thanks man!

Anonymous said...

Seriously, one can set one's watch by HR. They sit on the same floor as me, and the main doors to the workspaces make this funny noice when they close. You don't even need to look over when you hear the noise at around five PM to know HR is making a move.

Anonymous said...

You should do a parallel to the Kruelberg Saga and call it "The HR Saga - Utterly Unresourceful, but Plenty of Saga".