Bonuses and Resignations

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Bonuses and Resignations

Bankers, for the most part, can be quite articulate people. It is a true shame that this particular one took seven years at a bulge bracket firm before sharing this talent with the world in a farewell email.

"Dear Co-Workers and Managers,

As many of you probably know, today is my last day. But before I leave, I wanted to take this opportunity to let you know what a great and distinct pleasure it has been to type "Today is my last day."

For nearly as long as I've worked here, I've hoped that I might one day leave this company. And now that this dream has become a reality, please know that I could not have reached this goal without your unending lack of support. Words cannot express my gratitude for the words of gratitude you did not express.

I would especially like to thank all of my managers both past and present but with the exception of the wonderful Sanjeev Hairsprayhead: in an age where miscommunication is all too common, you consistently impressed and inspired me with the sheer magnitude of your misinformation, ignorance and intolerance for true talent. It takes a strong man to admit his mistake - it takes a stronger man to attribute his mistake to me.

Over the past seven years, you have taught me more than I could ever ask for and, in most cases, ever did ask for. I have been fortunate enough to work with some absolutely interchangeable supervisors on a wide variety of seemingly identical projects - an invaluable lesson in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium in overcoming daily tedium.
Your demands were high and your patience short, but I take great solace knowing that my work was, as stated on my annual review, "meets expectation." That is the type of praise that sends a man home happy after a 10 hour day, smiling his way through half a bottle of meets expectation scotch with a meets expectation cigar. Thanks Tracy!

And to most of my peers: even though we barely acknowledged each other within these office walls, I hope that in the future, should we pass on the street, you will regard me the same way as I regard you: sans eye contact.

But to those few souls with whom I've actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell:

To Paul, I will not miss hearing you cry over absolutely nothing while laying blame on me and my coworkers. Your racial comments about Jack Cobain were truly offensive and I hope that one day you might gain the strength to apologize to him.

To Brandy whom is long gone, I hope you find a manager that treats you as poorly as you have treated us. I worked harder for you then any manager in my career and I regret every ounce of it. Watching you take credit for my work was truly demoralizing.

To Sarah, you should learn how to keep your mouth shut sweet heart. Bad mouthing the innocent is a negative thing, especially when your talking about someone who knows your disgusting secrets. ; )

To Bill (Mr. Cronyism Jr), well, I wish you had more of a back bone. You threw me to the wolves with that witch Brandy and I learned all too much from it. I still can't believe that after following your instructions, I ended up getting written up, wow. Thanks for the experience buddy, lesson learned.

Dan (Mr. Cronyism Sr), I'm happy that you were let go in the same manner that you have handed down to my dedicated coworkers. Hearing you on the phone last year brag about how great bonuses were going to be for you fellas in upper management because all of the lay offs made me nearly vomit. I never expected to see management benefit financially from the suffering of scores of people but then again, with this company's rooted history in the slave trade it only makes sense.

To all of the executives of this company, Jimmy Dumbass and such. Despite working through countless managers that practiced unethical behavior, racism, sexism, jealousy and cronyism, I have benefited tremendously by working here and I truly thank you for that. There was once a time where hard work was rewarded and acknowledged, it's a pity that all of our positive output now falls on deaf ears and passes blind eyes. My advice for you is to place yourself closer to the pulse of this company and enjoy the effort and dedication of us "faceless little people" more. There are many great people that are being over worked and mistreated but yet are still loyal not to those who abuse them but to the greater mission of providing excellent customer support. Find them and embrace them as they will help battle the cancerous plague that is ravishing the moral of this company.

So, in parting, if I could pass on any word of advice to the lower salary recipient ("because it's good for the company") in India or Tampa who will soon be filling my position, it would be to cherish this experience because a job opportunity like this comes along only once in a lifetime.
Meaning: if I had to work here again in this lifetime, I would sooner kill myself.

To those who I have held a great relationship with, I will miss being your co-worker and will cherish our history together. Please don't bother responding as at this very moment I am most likely in my car doing 85 with the windows down listening to Biggie.

One!"

10 comments:

Dexter said...

Um... so this is what happens when someone doesn't get his or her bonus because some dickhead downed too much shit on him? :D

Anonymous said...

If only more people would send out messages like this. It's about time a lot of these firms were exposed not for being 'great places to work' but for what they really are. Something really needs to be done to combat HR propoganda.

Investment Banking Monkey said...

Serious mistake in judgement on One's part - I mean look at the length of that email - spending an hour or two drafting this thing is such a waste of time, given that these two hours could have been spent much more productively (and less destructively) in the pub celebrating!

Anonymous said...

this originated from JPMorgan...

Anonymous said...

First things first. Thanks for changing the names and not including all in the To: field, we appreciate that. Second, if you don't know already this email was copied from another website and just modified slightly for it's special effects. With that said, I would like to say that I know him personally. He is not a banker but a person in technology.

Anonymous said...

First things first. Thanks for changing the names and not including all in the To: field, we appreciate that. Second, if you don't know already this email was copied from another website and just modified slightly for it's special effects. With that said, I would like to say that I know him personally. He is not a banker but a person in technology.

Anonymous said...

Heard it was a hoax and that the dude who supposedly sent out this email claims he's still working there.

http://www.dealbreaker.com/2007/06/at_least_be_the_first_plagiari.php#more

Anonymous said...

Heard it was a hoax and that the dude who supposedly sent out this email claims he's still working there.

http://www.dealbreaker.com/2007/06/at_least_be_the_first_plagiari.php#more

Investment Banking Monkey said...

The fact that seniors were referred to as managers is the biggest giveaway that said person is not IBD. But whether its a hoax or not, damn well written email :) I would still have opted for two hours in the pub either way.

CreditSpecialist said...

Whether the dud is still working there or not I'll save this letter for MY last day!