Investment Banking Monkey - The All Nighter

There are many things that bug you as an i-banker. The fact that HR leaves at five and you have to crunch useless numbers for Frank fucking Johnson in the wee. The fact that your client is a moronic self important moron who got a lucky break despite the fact that he can’t tell his arse from his elbow. The fact that he wants you to run countless iterations on countless financial models, using structures that have been proven not to work countless times before, despite being told all this countless time. The fact that your boss is so spineless and focussed on the big picture, that he doesn’t care if you do one more useless all nighter as in the grand scheme of things, what’s just one more night of useless modelling in the span of an analyst’s career? It’s all for the greater good, he says. Just think of that shiny tombstone you’ll get when this deal closes, he says. Just think of the money the firm will make, he says.

You ponder on the glory of the tombstone sitting on your desk, which would magnificently state that the firm advised Kruelberg Kretin on the acquisition, paying billions for the company and setting a landmark in being the largest private equity deal ever in the sector. And this will be on your desk. You will be the superhero analyst who worked on the deal. The deal? You must mean THE deal.

You breathe in the fresh air (it’s so much better after 2 AM) and as you close your eyes, you can see the envy in the faces of your class as they pass your desk. They will see the tombstone and stare at it, wanting to have that tombstone. Wanting to share the glory. Wanting to have been part of this groundbreaking deal. Well, wanting to be in your shoes, right here, right now, freezing your ass off in front of the entrance, chainsmoking three Marlboro reds before you head back to the office. Wanting to be the ones doing that useless bit of work for Frank tonight.

You pause for a moment and think again. Really? Wow! These guys are envying me as we speak. You are filled with energy as you feel their envy all around you. You wave to one of your buddies who is heading home for the night, feeling sorry for the poor loser, going home only at 2AM, whereas you will still have the pleasure of spending a few more hours at least, making this landmark deal happen!

You take a final drag out of cigarette number three, stub it out, rub your hands and put your war face on, ready to finish the job for frank. Tomorrow’s bid day and all the work is done. Frank has, however, asked the firm to provide him an easily accessible database for all the deal docs, models and analyses in excel - in case he gets a call with questions about Kruelberg’s bid tomorrow, he wants to be able to punch in the keyword like in a google search engine, and the spreadsheet to pop open the right analysis. Now most of those unlucky colleagues would just call him an asshole, but you know better than that, given that he will be your path to glory. He will be your stairway to fame, with a tombstone for the biggest private equity deal in this sector, ever, on your desk!

It’s all worth it. It is all so worth it! Forget the fact that all those other guys are getting paid the same as you. Forget the fact that they are all working far less than you. Forget the fact that the work they are doing is far more interesting than the shit you have to do for Frank fucking Johnson. Forget the fact that they don’t give a shit.

It’s simply just worth it!